Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good man to you in our seven years of marriage, and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been tough for me. Your boss notified me that you quit your job today, and that was just too much to bear any longer.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, it’s over and I am leaving.
Your EX-Husband P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Believe me, nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for the past seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my TV shows so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping, although that doesn’t seem to work.
I definitely noticed your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, ‘You look just like a girl!’ And since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I decided not to comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven long years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could make this work. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!
