I should’ve realized something was off when Shannon moved in next door and instantly painted her house purple, then orange, and finally blue. But I believe in letting people do their thing. That was until she began hosting bikini sunbathing shows right outside my 15-year-old son’s window.
“Mom!” my son Jake rushed into the kitchen one morning, his face redder than the tomatoes I was chopping for lunch. “Can you… um… do something about that? Outside my window?”
I went to his room and looked out the window. There was Shannon, lounging on a leopard-print chair, wearing bikinis that could only be described as dental floss with sparkles.
“Just keep your blinds shut, honey,” I said casually while my mind raced.
“But I can’t even open them for fresh air anymore!” Jake slumped against the bed.
“This is so strange. Tommy came over to study yesterday and walked into my room just frozen. Like mouth open, eyes bulging—total shutdown! His mom probably won’t let him come back!”
I sighed and closed the blinds. “Has she been out there every day?”
“Every single day! Mom, this is unbearable! I might have to become a mole person living in the basement. Do we have Wi-Fi down there?”
After a week of watching Jake practically parkour around his room to avoid seeing our neighbor’s antics, I decided it was time for a friendly chat with Shannon.
Normally, I don’t interfere with what others do in their yards but Shannon’s version of ‘sunbathing’ felt more like an outdoor show.
She lounged around in tiny bikinis—sometimes even topless—and it was impossible not to notice her whenever we stood near Jake’s window.
“Hey Shannon,” I called out trying for that balance between ‘friendly neighbor’ and ‘concerned parent.’ “Got a minute?”
She lowered her big sunglasses that made her look like some kind of fancy bug. “Renee! Need some tanning oil? This coconut one smells like a tropical vacation mixed with bad choices.”
“I actually wanted to discuss your sunbathing spot—it’s right by my son Jake’s window—and he’s 15 so—”
“Oh My God.” Shannon sat up grinning widely as if she’d just won something huge. “Are you really trying to control where I get my vitamin D? In MY yard?”
“That’s not what I’m—”
“Listen sweetie,” she interrupted me while checking her hot pink nails as if they held all life secrets. “If your kid can’t handle seeing a confident woman enjoying herself maybe you should invest in better blinds or therapy or both! There’s this great life coach who specializes in aura cleansing.”
“Shannon please just move your chair anywhere else on your two acres!”
“Hmmm.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully then grabbed her phone. “Let me check… Oh look at that! I’m fully booked caring about your opinion until forever.”
I walked away wondering if I’d stepped into an episode of “Neighbors Gone Wild.” But Shannon wasn’t done yet; not by far!
Two days later when grabbing the newspaper from outside—I stopped dead!
There on my perfectly kept lawn sat an old filthy toilet bowl complete with a sign saying: “FLUSH YOUR OPINION HERE!”
It had to be Shannon’s doing!
“What do you think of my art installation?” Her voice floated over from across the yard where she lounged looking smugly satisfied.
“I call it ‘Modern Suburban Discourse.’ The local gallery wants it featured!” She laughed loudly.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?” I pointed at the porcelain disaster before me. “This is vandalism!”
“No honey this is self-expression like how I’m sunbathing! Since you’re so interested in opinions about property use thought I’d give you somewhere proper for them.”
Standing there staring at her laughing hysterically made something click inside me.
You know those moments when you realize you’re playing chess against a pigeon? It’ll knock everything over strut around thinking it’s won leaving droppings everywhere—that’s exactly who Shannon reminded me of!
I sighed deeply sometimes revenge means sitting back watching karma unfold its magic!
The following weeks tested every ounce of patience within me; turning her yard into what could only be described as one-woman Woodstock complete with karaoke renditions blasting through windows three houses down at 3 AM along with meditation drum circles sounding more like caffeinated elephants learning Riverdance!
Through all this chaos—I smiled waved because here lies truth about people like shannon—they’re too busy writing their own drama never noticing plot twists coming their way…
And boy did they come…
One pleasant Saturday while baking cookies sirens blared outside catching attention stepping onto porch saw fire truck screeching halt before house
“Ma’am,” approached firefighter looking confused “We received report regarding sewage leak?”
Before responding appeared shannon wearing concerned citizen face deserving Oscar award saying: “Yes officer! That toilet over there… it’s hazardous health risk!”
Firefighter glanced between dry decorative toilet then back again questioning every choice leading him here
“Ma’am making false emergency reports crime clearly lawn ornament,” he paused probably wondering why had say such phrase job description
“A dry lawn ornament & I’m firefighter—not health inspector.”
Shannon’s expression fell faster than sunscreen coverage rating she’d applied earlier today “But aesthetic pollution visual contamination!”
“Ma’am we don’t respond aesthetic emergencies pranks definitely aren’t part our duties.”
With firefighters gone karma still wasn’t finished dealing shannon—not yet anyway…
Drama barely slowed down instead inspired new heights literally
One scorching afternoon spotted hauling leopard-print lounger up ladder garage roof perched high above armed reflective tanning sheet industrial-sized margarita
In kitchen elbow-deep dinner dishes wondered universe testing blood pressure chaos erupted outside hearing splash followed by screech resembling cat stuck washing machine rushed find shannon face-down prized petunias covered mud
Turns out rooftop sunbathing spot met match malfunctioning sprinkler system
Neighbor Mrs.Peterson dropped gardening tools exclaiming: “Good Lord! Are trying recreate Baywatch missed beach part running part well…every part!”
Shannon scrambled up caked mud designer bikini now accessorized grass stains surprised earthworm clinging tightly
Following incident quietness enveloped neighborhood stopping sunbathing front jake’s window dirty toilet bowl vanished quicker magician rabbit trick
Investing privacy fence backyard long suburban nightmare finally ended
“Mom,” jake cautiously raised blinds breakfast next morning asked: “Is safe come out witness protection now?”
Smiling slid plate pancakes replied: ”Yeah honey think show’s been canceled permanently.”
“Thank god,” he muttered grinning slightly added: “Though kinda miss toilet weirdly starting grow on me ugly lawn gnome.”
“Dont joke eat pancakes before decides install whole bathroom set!” shared hearty laugh together gazing wall surrounding shannons yard
